The Dare Game
by cissaheartssoda
Summary: “Potter!” bellowed Lily, “Where in the name of Merlin's hairy trousers are your pants?”
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine

**Disclaimer: This whole Story, the Potterverse and everything awesome does not belong to me. It belongs to that lucky little JK Rowling. Who I wish I could be. **

**Ah, Other Character: Other characters are hot. As in, Paris Hilton Hawt. nods I've said it many times, Paris Hilton is a skank bag, and I like it… not like that. And by not like that I mean, not as in the non-sexual way. Meaning, I don't like her, I like her sexual-ness. I'm just going to shut up and actually start, you know, writing a fan fiction. **

**Lily/James. Because we all love a story where we know how it ends but not how it got there. **

**This fic will take turns, UH, yay? From one person to the other person and all kinds of strange Voyeuristic in-betweens. **

**THEME SONGS ARE FUN. **

**This theme song - Charlie by Sophie Koh**

**Beta-read by **Trapped Rabbit - **Hottest thing since Paris Hilton was mentioned in the last paragraph. **

**Welcome to the world of Sirius Black:**

"Wake Up James-y. Rise and shine!"

My God. I _am _an off tune wanker. James was right – time to get that checked out; my vocal chords really shouldn't sound so distorted.

"Sunshine: Hello, you look wonderful! Darling James-y, yeah!"

Doesn't matter, though, because I don't listen to anything James says anyway.

Especially: "Go AWAY!" through fits of refusing-to-get-up-ness. Because, James, that is pathetic.

"Augmenti"

Insert Maniacal Laughter Here, Maestro.

"Fuck off Sirius. AND STOP LAUGHING MANICALLY," screeched James as he jumped up, trying to get the water off his carefully tousled hair. Even while he slept he played with it.

I could have sworn I was laughing manically in my head.

Poor Bugger, had a relatively rough night, though. In a total of 2 hours James was turned down by Lily Evans 263 times. I think he may have been suicidal.

"Come on James up you get," you always have to speak to James as though speaking to a small child, early in the morning, which is the way everyone talks to me, "Put on your shirt, and here's your tie."

Nodding slowly, I hoped he wouldn't decide to be difficult. I wasn't in a spanking mood.

Moony was already dressed and gone to Transfiguration and he was the one who usually did the reasoning with James.

I hate my job.

Seriously. I hate it.

Laughter?

Laughter is not good as you enter a room.

_Certainly_ not good.

"Potter!" bellowed Lily. "Where in the name of Merlin's hairy trousers are your pants?"

"Damn!" He muttered, low enough so only I could hear, "I did this for _you_, Evans."

James had fat thighs. I'm just saying.

"_What_? You forgot your pants for me?" asked Lily shooting a revolted glance at the boxers covered in tiny golden snitches. That moved. The snitches, I mean. Not the… boxers.

"Umm. Sure? And you know if you'll go out with me, I'ma gunna let ya see a lot more of this," said James, raising his eyebrows at Lily. Who looked like she was going to jump on top of him… Not in a sexual way, more in an 'I'ma gunna tear your face off' way.

"Come on, James. We have to go now." I nudged him in his ribs to save his face.

"Farewell, my favourite red-headed concubine," he yelled as he magicked on his pants and I dragged him across the room.

Lily's face went red. I turned to James, "You idiot. Do you even know what 'concubine' means?"

"It means… Pretty," he said, nodding knowledgably, "I know how to use words to drive the ladies crazy."

I glanced back, to where Lily was hexing a first year into oblivion.

"Um… Yeah," I agreed uncertainly.

Well, what I mean is, _that_ was just how I wake up. Marauders are always covered with controversy: James and his Lily obsession, Remus and his 'Furry little problem' and me and being a Black in Gryffindor.

--

Leaning back on the legs of my chair, I was trying my best to listen to McGonagall. By the wrinkled degree of her face, I was sure she was talking about something very important.

But it was no use. I couldn't concentrate with that… new one sitting at the end of the row. What was her name? Someone had told me. Bev? Eva? Bernadette, maybe?

A million notes I could write her crossed through my mind, each as provocative as the next, James calls it a one track mind, I call it being Sirius-ly (ha) good-looking, being a ladies-man was part of that curse.

She just stared up at McGonagall with this strange look on her face, until I also looked at McGonagall, who had just transformed into a cat, it was as though it was, you know, amazing or something.

_Blondie,_

_It's Hogsmeade this weekend, did you want to go out or something?_

_- Sirius_

It was short but sweet I smiled as I reviewed the letter that never failed to gain me an attractive female companion for the weekend.

James was in a Lily daze, you know, the kind you get when you feel kinda dead. Nonetheless, I tried my luck. "James-y, pass this to Blondie down the end of the row. Hey James who is she anyway?" I asked him. But to no prevail, just as I was about to ask Peter, she raised her hand, so I would have forget it and try to listen to McGonagall.

"Professor, I was just wondering whether you chose what to become or does it just happen?"

I yawned, quite loudly too, I learned all about animagi in grade five, you know, when I became one.

"Mr. Black," Said McGonagall wryly, her lips pursed into a tiny little line that would do nothing to slow down the ageing process for her. "Since you seem to find this subject so boring perhaps you could tell the class?"

"Sure." I said, trying to look unfazed and debonair by the obvious point to which I hadn't been listening to. "You don't choose Blondie. It chooses you. You, I would see, would be a bird of Paradise or something very attractive."

"That's not for you to comment on Mr. Black."

McGonagall was glaring daggers at me enough for Lily and herself.

I tried Peter, who was sitting next to Lily. Ah Peter, of course he knew to pass the note PAST Lily. And, it looked as though he would do as such, until he realized that his short little arms couldn't reach past Lily and then figured that he would just ask the devil woman to pass it along.

STUPID, STUPID BOY.

attacks self and crawls into little ball '

Lily wrote back -

_Bite me. _

Um, Gladly?

"Sirius, what did Lily write to you? Is it about getting me to go to Hogsmeade with her this weekend? Do you think she likes me?" He said, spindly fingers trying to grab the note from my hand.

James didn't function until after 10 am.

At which time he was on almost equal normal par with me. Until then, however, he was a walking monkey.. I mean, do monkeys walk? Or… brain hurt Ow. Okay.

"Hmm… Let's think." I said in mock thoughtfulness. Mock thoughtfulness was a strong point of mine. "She hexed you until you had Loser written on you face, Was the only Gryffindor who laughed at you when you fell off your broom during our match against Slytherin, and who Could forget the fiasco in 5th grade where she said she wouldn't date you straight after you stood up for her and I told you that she you thought were conceited. I really think you've got a chance."

"Really?"

"No."

"Well moony," asked James "Do you agree with Padfoot, international arsehole?"

"Yes, actually, I do." Said Remus quietly, looking down at the cover of his transfiguration book.

"Ha!" I yelled at James, a little too loudly for class "Moony's the smart one and he agrees with ME!"

"Sirius, stop it." He swatted me. "But, Moony she was looking back at me."

"Was it glaring?" Moony asked cynically.

"Maybe," Said James unable to look Moony in the eye. "Well it was still looking back right?"

"Sure," said Moony sarcastically.

**Please, hold your Applause for Eveleen Draconis, who really doesn't deserve such applause because you are simply implying that then you would be watching her, and **_**that**_** would be creepy. **

Outside the classroom was a good feeling. It was freedom bottled and put into to tiny bottles of general all round awesome-icity… or whatever.

However, it was cold at Hogwarts, and I was walking from the classroom ALONE. Lily had rushed off to study for NEWTs; whatever they were… leaving me completely lost in the middle of a castle I had been at for a total of one whole day.

I had a map somewhere, and then.

Please cue the horror music:

…

Uh, now?

dun, dun, dun

Thank you.

I peeked inside the bag and "Shit. I have ink all over my books." I muttered as I tried to wriggle free my wand from the mess of ink without having it everywhere on my hands.

Not that having ink on my book wasn't bad enough I had to drop my bag on some one's toe. I stooped down to pick up the books, covered in ink from the ground and so did the person who I dropped my bag on. He was tall, with black hair, deep gray eyes, and a scowl on his brow that made my heart flutter.

"And Blondie, Who, might I ask, the hell are you?"

"Eveleen Draconis…" I said. I was hardly ever one to be embarrassed. But I sure was now. "And who, may I ask, are you?" I asked as coolly as possible as someone that had just dropped a bag splattered with ink onto someone who I would possibly have to see for the rest of my schooling career.

"Sirius, Sirius Black." He said as though I ought to know this. "I thought my reputation preceded me?" He said haughtily, though it had, this was the boy Lily had asked m to stay away from. So, he knew who I was and I knew who he was.

"I'm new." I explained.

"Oh well, would you like a guide?" He asked.

Answer him: _Fuck off. _

"No I have Lily Evans thank you."

Damn manners.

"I don't see her anywhere." He said looking around, in mock thoughtfulness, which was actually quite adorable.

I couldn't argue with that.

"Fine then." I scowled.

**Because Murder Mystery Comic style introductions are fun, please let me introduce James Potter's segment in such a way:**

**Meanwhile, skipping past the library… **

Skipping is fun.

Not as fun as Quidditch, but nonetheless, fun.

Until Sirius sees me and then hits me and tells me to stop being a prat, which should all of a sudden happen if I am really skipping through halls because, in all honesty, things like that happen to me all the time.

"Potter!"

Hark, the voice of an angel saying my name, last name.

Saying? Shouting…

"Yes, my dear Lili-kins?"

Oh dear, she hadn't approved pet names.

Prepare for Death glare.

"Were you _skipping?_"

YES.

"Uh, no?"

She made this adorable little disgusted noise in the back of her throat that sounded like: muchkahapa.

"Why does it matter to you if I was skipping, anyway?" I asked.

Nice play Potter, nice play.

"It matters because I will not have my fellow head boy skipping around like a lunatic."

Oh.

And just for the record, I know exactly what Sirius would say if he was here.

"Are you sure it's not because you fancy me Evans?" Not that Sirius would say that, but that's all I can think right now.

"Can't we have ONE conversation where that little obsession of yours is NOT bought up?"

My obsession? Lily?

Of course it has to be bought up if I'm talking to my obsession.

"Sure. What else do you want to talk about?"

Normal response Potter. Well Done.

YEAH!

"Why did you just 'yeah'?"

Way to ruin it.

"Oh, look, a Snarglepuff!"

Run.

Please also remind me to never use get away lines from people such as Xenophilius

Lovegood.

**Please Review. Actual PLOT WILL START NEXT CHAPTER. **

**Promise. **

**xx**


	2. Chapter 2

Well Hi

**Oh dear, looks like I've written another chapter in which Eveleen gets in trouble, Sirius wears frilly pink underpants and James and Lily get stuck to each other. No mention of Paris Hilton this introduction. But lots of mentions to many awesome people. Like Mischa Barton, who I would like to play me in a movie if there was one to be made of me. nod **

**Oh, and I wrote this whilst ridiculously sick and ****supposed to be writing a science essay on genetic recombination. This won over ethical issues that the world has on genetically modified food. **

**THEME SONG!! **

**Yay. **

**7 minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) - Fall Out Boy. **

**By the way, first chapter has been BETA read by Trapped Rabbit and completely changed. **

**Again, here's Eveleen Draconis. **

He'd taken me outside, it was the middle of the day and the sun was quite bright. But not warm, it was kind of always cold here.

"What the _HELL_ do you think you're doing?" I asked the moronic arse-face that had,_ What. The. Fuck._, just tried to kiss me.

"Well," He stumbled but caught his haughty manner "You should be privileged."

"I've known you a total of two seconds." I looked at him in disbelief, eye bulging dangerously, like, about to burst out of my eye socket dangerous-like.

"Don't think that I bought that you didn't know who I was. Lily told you, she always tells everyone that I'm a pimp." He pouted.

"Actually she told me that you were a 'player'." I corrected him.

"Same thing."

"Actually, Not."

"Well, to prove to you that I'm not, say, a player, or pimp or whatever... I'll play a little game with you. It's called the dare game, at which you get to dare me with something, and I'll do it. Same for you, a little trust building exercise. "

How incredibly odd… Seriously, a trust building exercise? Though I do suppose that it would be fun to see if he would actually participate in such a game… He'd look hilarious in frilly pink underpants.

"Weeell." I like to stretch my words. "What's in it for me?"

"The pleasure of my company."

"I mean an actual motivator."

"You get to make me wear frilly pink underpants." Yeah… definitely participating.

"You're on."

**Ah, back to Black****:**

"Excellent. I'm sure dare one is to make me wear frilly underpants."

Ah, I knew this one was coming, it was generally a great dare and my outstanding masculinity made me look like I would never do such ah thing to hurt my manly, manly reputation.

"Uh, yeah…Great Hall, Breakfast. Tomorrow."

What was a dare worse than this, worse than the worst fate that anyone could imagine?

Ah, the answer was clear, the wrath of Lily Evans.

"So, I have thought of a dare for you, ten times worse than the frilly underpants, because they would look quite attractive on you."

I know, aren't I charming?

"_You _have to stick Lily and James together with a permanent sticking charm."

insert evil laugh here

"Um, okay?"

She really didn't know much about Lily Evans then… This was the worst dare I could think of, and I wasn't even scared of death.

"You don't get it, do you?" I asked, appraising her up and down, she'd only been here a day and yet I was sure she'd get how hopelessly in love with Lily James was: and thus how much Lily hated James in return.

"James loves Lily. Lily hates James." Her brow furrowed adorably. "This dare will probably get you killed."

"I know that. I'll do it." She smiled, and it was hot.

Leaning in…

"Don't even think about it."

**James Potter: Breakfast table**

"So, as I says to Mable…"

"Which Mable?"

"One in Hufflepuff…"

Insert giant awkward collective pause from the whole of the school right…

…

Here.

"Sirius. Are you aware you are only wearing frilly pink underpants in the middle of the great hall?" Ah, Moony, Captain Obvious.

"I'm fairly sure Sirius is aware that he is wearing frilly pink underpants in the Great Hall at breakfast, unless he is not and then there is a major problem with his memory."

"I was actually asking Sirius if he was drunk in a way that wouldn't be offensive to his… condition." Moony said and promptly turned back to his food.

"And are you Padfoot?"

"No."

"_Really_?" Moony seemed quite surprised.

"Yep."

"Then why are you wearing such frilly knickers in the great Hall at breakfast? You seem to be attracting the attention of our headmaster." Dumbledore was indeed looking this way somewhat interestedly…

"All will be told in time." He nodded knowingly, which was strange because Sirius did never know of anything.

Why is there a Lily Evans on my sleeve?

What a pleasant surprise!

**Lily Potter, uh, I mean Evans… **

What the fuck is this? _WHAT THE FUCK!_

Why is my shirt attracted to James? I'm most certainly not.

It's like magnets or something, it's magic, someone's fucking with me.

And not in the way I'd like.

OMG. OMG. OMG. It's not coming off. Stupid traitor of a shirt, get off him, _get off_, _**get off**_!

"Lily, why are you sobbing?"

"WHY DO YOU _THINK_ POTTER?!" -Fuming hatred for Potter- should be my middle name.

"Because you're stuck to me?" Good answer.

"Yes, and do you have any idea why?" Oh, I bet he does. I bet he just wanted to keep me permanently stuck to me.

Wait, did I just say permanently?

Oh GOD.

_No. _

No, No, No.

Not permanently. For a very, very small portion of time, like, by the end of breakfast, or else someone will be dead and it will not be me.

"GET ME UNSTUCK NOW! Why is Sirius wearing frilly pink underpants?"

"I have no idea how or why…"

"Figure it out James."

"I think Sirius must be coming out of the closet. And your shirt is maybe showing your obvious attraction to me that have now become so potent that it was unable to resist mine?"

resisting urge to kick in balls

Oh dear, looks like I failed.

**Eveleen Draconis meets the new DADA teacher. **

Ah, DADA.

I was actually quite comfortable in this class back home. Apparently, here though, the DADA professor teaching position was cursed, where most of them didn't last the year and had to resign or died. So, it was sure to be interesting…

Oh yeah, that and the fact Lily and James were now connected. Permanently, or at least until Lily actually realized she loved James. Call it a girl's sentimental touch… I thought it was effective and would get her to stop muttering in her sleep about how much she lusted over James Potter.

Ah, here come the conjoined duo now.

Aw, isn't that adorable….

She's stuck to his sleeve and he's… doubled over his groin.

…

"Um, is everything alright James?"

"Oh, he's fine, I suppose he's stupidly happy that I touched his… man-bits. OH, AND THAT I'M STUCK TO HIM."

"Uh, yeah… how'd that happen?" Warning glance at Sirius, who had, unfortunately, changed out of pink frilly underpants.

"YOU THINK I KNOW EVELEEN?" She looked me over incredulously.

"Um, no?"

The new DADA teacher had just walked into the class, he was a man wearing a sweater vest and pants too small for him. His glasses were square and made his face look a little too big.

"SIT DOWN GUYS!"

Yelling, yet still trying to be our friend?

"I'm YOUR TEACHER AND YOU WILL SHOW ME RESPECT! But you all look lovely today."

What an inconsistent paedophile.

"I'm professor Newton and today I will be teaching you about Elvis inferi."

He nodded solemnly.

He droned on and on.

"Black." I whispered to Sirius.

"Yes Blondie?" He asked, trying to stifle laughter as he watched Lily and James struggle to write notes and not touch, well, more Lily.

"I'm bored and based on our previous agreement, I believe it's time you get your next dare..." I said in a matter of fact tone.

"What is it?" He asked me looking not at all worried.

"Entertain me please Sirius." I smiled. Hey, don't look at me like that it's not my fault I like to make my minions dance. DANCE MINIONS, DANCE! Hem, slight case of hysteria induced by boredom.

"With what?" There was a small crease between his eyebrows. His pride wouldn't let him back out though.

"Dance for me." I said simply.

But before I knew it he had picked me up and started swirling around the classroom with me in a fast waltz.

"Sirius." I growled. "This is not what I meant."

**Sirius Black thinks he can dance. **

The classroom was filled with cheers and whistles. Well that was until professor Newton decided to intervene.

"Sit DOWN!" He shouted. We stopped spinning around the room and I blushed to my fullest extent. Which was not at all and smiled in Lily's direction, where she was still stuck to James.

"Detention for BOTH of you tonight."

"This is not part of the DARE GAME Sirius! It's my second day here and I can't have detention!"

Oh dear, it seemed that Lily put two and two together.

Please block your ears.

**Lily Evans:**

"_IS THIS PART OF A SICK PLAN? IS THIS A DARE ONE OF YOU IS COMPLETING? I'M FUCKING GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR JUGALAR WITH MY CANINE TEETH!__ AND THEN BLEND IT AND FEED IT TO THE OWLS IN THE OWLERY." _

I would have attacked by now if I didn't have James weighing me down.

"_TELL ME HOW I CAN GET OUT OF THIS AND ONE OF YOU MIGHT SURVIVE WITH YOUR LIVES!" _

"I know a way." I always knew I liked Eveleen... "Um, you have to learn to be nice to James and be joined to him in… a different way."

"_What do you mean a __**different **__way?" _My voice was now just a low hiss.

"Um, you have to want to be around him… Like, love him…"

I always knew I hated that blonde skank. I mean, who does she think she is coming in here and then condemning me to a lifetime of Potter.

Why is that arse of a teacher speaking? Someone stop him before I hex him.

"I used to have a girlfriend named Emily, and then I knew she was cheating on me by the hickies on her neck."

Oh dear, too late.

"Detention for Lily Evans too."

I swear, I'm going to cut off Eveleen's hair and bake it into muffins for that new DADA teacher.

**Oh yeah, **

**Detention and McGonagall next chapter. **

**Mr. Newton is a teacher at my school. Cutting off hair and putting it into muffins is an actual plan which will happen and will be hilarious. **

**xx**


	3. Chapter 3

James' Potter is practically in heaven…

**Wel****come to the New Administration!!**

**I miss Trapped Rabbit. She's gone away for a while, so this chapter is vulgar and unedited. **

**Anyway, when we last left off Lily and James were stuck together, and had achieved detention, Evey and Sirius had also incurred a similar fate because Mr. Newton is a fag. **

**Oh and I have a theme song:**

**About a girl - The Academy is… **

**I would like to rape William Beckett. **

**But that's another chapter. **

**Beta**** read by TRAPPED RABBIT**

**James' P****otter is practically in heaven…**

… despite the fact that McGonagall is glaring and shouting at the same time, which is doing nothing for her complexion.

I do believe that I have a Lily Evans on my arm, which, despite my previous best efforts, has never happened before.

Remind me to thank Eveleen for this later or Sirius…

Either one will do.

I can feel it when she moves and it's quite pleasant, like gliding when she moves her arms and mine goes with it. sigh

However, this does mean that I have to do detention with her tonight despite, for once, doing nothing wrong.

This, however, is a small price to pay, for the chance to make her love me.

"THAT IS IT EVANS! DON'T LET ME FIND YOU BEING MEAN TO THE NEW TEACHER EVER AGAIN, OR ELSE I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE AWAY YOUR HEAD GIRL STATUS. And Potter, though touching that you find yourself and Evans inseparable you should maybe let her deal with her trouble alone."

Wow, record time. 1 hour and 38 minutes.

--

Once outside of McGonagall's office Lily whispers, quite urgently too, something that I cannot hear.

"I'm sorry, my sweet-pea of a concubine, I did not hear what it was that you said too clearly… would you mind repeating that louder?"

"I NEED TO PEE, POTTER!"

Oh…

Oh dear.

Oh dear Merlin's Technicolor trousers.

"I can't go into the girl's bathroom with you. Myrtle is there!"

"Myrtle is the least of your problems, James, if you don't get me to a bathroom."

She's super hot when she's all demanding.

"But Lily…"

yank

"Ouch."

"Shut up, Potter."

**We now turn to a very, very desperate Lily Evans:**

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. Furry. God.

This is forcing me to face the horrors I didn't have to before.

_What __happens when it's time for bed?_

_Oh GOD. _

_I TALK IN MY SLEEP._

_And I'm fairly sure James Potter __**will try**__ to grope me. _

Excuse me whilst I go and kill myself.

After I get to the bathroom.

This is indeed another horror.

James Potter will have to go to the bathroom with me.

"JAMES! STAY THE _HELL_ OUTSIDE!"

"Lily, I _can't!" _

"You bloody well can, or else I'm going to sever off your arm, shove it down your throat_ and make you stay out._"

"But Myrtle is out here. She's trying to _molest_ me."

"Oh my God."

Creepy, _creepy_, horny ghost, hitting on _**my**_arm companion.

"I don't _care_ if she molests you. Because she's a ghost, it's only a little bit uncomfortable where as I am a lot uncomfortable."

**James Potter is currently being molested by a ghost****:**

"Um, Lily, could you by any chance hurry up?"

Although being stuck to Lily had its advantages, like getting to be next to my favourite red-head for a sustainable amount of time; this was not one of them.

Myrtle kind of had a thing for me since I used to use the prefect's bathroom. Let's just say she liked _little_ James.

Also known as Pink Floyd.

And being raped by a ghost whilst stuck by your sleeve through the tiniest niche in a toilet cubicle is extremely uncomfortable.

And cold.

Let's just say, Pink Floyd does not care for…

Let's just say he "_shrinks" _away from such experiences.

But, to look on the bright side, whilst being raped… it _does _smell nicer in here than in the boy's toilets.

Kind of like lavender…

Not that I know what that smells like. I mean, I'm like totally manly. I like monster trucks.

"OH, _THANK_ YOU GOD!"

She's finished, finished, finished.

Joy dances are fun.

Not when Myrtle is not letting go though.

"Get off my Arm Companion, Myrtle."

"Oh, _I see how it is; _living girls get all the fun."

"I'll trade places with you if you want…. You can be eternally stuck to James Potter and I can be dead. I say it's a fair trade off."

"Are… you… making… fun… of… the…" giant heaving sob "fact… I'm…. _**DEAD!?**_"

Myrtle always did know how to make an exit; and apparently loos are the new "dignified" way to leave a conversation.

"You are going to have to help me wash my hands," she grumbles.

"Anything to touch your hands..."

Yeah, James, Smooth.

"I'm going to overlook that you said that."

To the sink…

Turning on the water wasn't difficult.

Rubbing the soap onto her hands was like rubbing oil onto a whale back.

Oh come on Potter, you can think of a sexier analogy than that.

Like… baby seals rubbing up against each other.

Ugh, who are you kidding, you anti-lothario? You got nothing.

It was nice. She had really soft hands. They were like…

No.

I'm just going to give up now.

"Alright, let's go to detention Potter."

"Yes, Let us continue onwards, my fair Lady."

**Sirius Black, Detention should probably just be a full time class for him:**

Ah, I could have sworn I was cleaning the trophy room just last week.

Actually, I was. Usually I only have to do this room once a month. I should be getting paid more than Filch.

Some little git has thrown up everywhere.

This is horrible…

This is worse than the time Peter threw up after a big night out at Hogsmeade.

Oh, Oh dear.

This is even worse than when Peter then preceded to take off his pants.

"Blondie, maybe you shouldn't be coming in here… it's kind of gross."

"Whatever it is… I'm sure I can handle it…

…

Oh. My. _God._

_EW!_

_I think I'm going to be sick_"

"Sure, that'd help Blondie"

Filch's creepy silhouette framed the door.

"Wands away, you'll be doing this lot by hand." Insert little creepy arsehole of a snicker here. "Scrubbing brushes and bucket is right beside the door. I'll come back at midnight and see if it's done good enough."

Another creepy little snicker.

I hate it when that arsehole snickers.

I swear one day I'm going to knock that stupid fucking snicker out of his grotesque head and then squish it into this special services award that Tom Riddle constantly needs clean. Whoever Tome Riddle is, I'm rather sure I hate him.

"Can you stop plotting against filch and start scrubbing the fucking floors Blackie boy?" She scowled in my general direction. "This is _your entire_ fault."

"Yes, sure it may be, but I certainly enjoyed dancing with you… It's almost worth cleaning this wing."

I know, right, I really am charming; it's a curse that I manage to still be charming in amongst all this puke.

**Lily Evans: **

Sleep time.

Or not so sleep time.

Kind of more like, stay awake and make sure that James Potter does not try to rape me.

Which at the moment he's doing a horrendous job of, by the way. And not that it helps that girls are only allowed in boys dorms, so I'm lying here trying to sleep surrounded by his stupid Marauder gits, aside from Remus, who I have a healthy respect for and Sirius, who is certainly not exempt from being called a git, but not here to be included in the plural.

Oh, and before you ask how detention went, it went fine. Expect for the fact that my quill hand is completely obscured by James' other arm. I am left handed and he is unfortunately attached until love does us part.

Oh Miss Draconis, I have not forgotten that you have condemned me to a lifetime of Potter, oh no I haven't.

And you will pay severely.

But, back to the point:

So basically, it's just Remus, James and Peter here:

In which Peter is the only git.

Git is too mild a word for James.

Supreme Wanker and male concubine fits better.

I'm going to cut off his balls,

After I talk to Remus.

"Remus! Reeeeeeeeeeemus!" I beckon, like an angel awakening a mortal from sleep.

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeemus!"

Honestly, how can the werewolf not hear me?

"REMUS LUPIN!"

And for a second I'm kind of scared that I woke James, but am instantly reassured by a startling snore that the aforementioned boy gave out.

However, Remus was awake, now.

"Yes Lily?" He asked wearily, rubbing his eyes and looking as though he wanted to sink back in the pillows.

Sink? Away from _me?_

"_REMUS" _

"I think that you've said my names four times now, what on earth you want."

"I want James off me."

"Do you _really_ want James off you?"

"What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course I want him off me. He's repulsive."

"Lily, if you really wanted him off you, then you would have woken him up. You wanted _me _to talk to you about how much you really like James…"

Well, that cut a little close to the bone.

"The best I have to say for that boy is that he has quite endearing hair, and he looks manly in sweater vests."

I nod, as though I cannot possibly be disproven.

Remus arches an eyebrow.

"Seriously Lil, You fancy the frilly underwear off him."

Oh seriously, stupid werewolf persistence is obviously not going to give up.

Time to pull out the big guns.

Bigger than Paul Newman's guns in that Western movie my sister fawns over.

"Remus." I say seriously. "I want your children."

"Uh….. Lils, I don't think I could do that to James."

"Remmmmus!" I want your children: They shall be wolfy and smart and have red hair."

"Lily… you're attractive… but…"

"But what, Remus?"

I say, convincingly and I'm a little bit hurt that he hasn't immediately consented to having my children, but that is a little beside the point.

Remus looks sufficiently embarrassed.

"I'm kidding Remus, you may go back to sleep."

He looks so relieved that he dropped the subject and is now emitting faint snores.

Ay me.

It was that point that Sirius burst into the room, completely too inebriated to notice I was awake.

**And you'll find out what happened to Sirius and why he is completely of his face next chapter. **

**In the meantime, please review. **

**Hugs to my thugs**

**xx**


End file.
